Details, Details

I have a horrible memory, especially when it comes to my childhood. I know I had a wonderful, happy upbringing, but sometimes I can only grasp the fuzzy edges of a family vacation or a funny moment from my past. My sisters will say, "Remember the time when we...", and sometimes I only have a vague recollection of the event. It's as if I wasn't really there, as if I only witnessed the event as an onlooker instead of being an active participant. I think it's because I'm often not fully present in the moment; I always seem to have something else on my mind. I can't imagine what that "something else" was when I was little (Did I get my homework done? Does so-and-so like me?), but I know that it can still be an issue with me now.

The vivid memories that I do have must really have made an impact on me, for one reason or another. I can clearly remember the first time I was scolded in school. It was 5th grade, and we were cleaning the classroom at the end of the school year. My job was to straighten the library books. I wasn't quite sure what was expected of me, and I needed some clarification, so I called out for my teacher. "Mrs. Green?" No answer. "Mrs. Green? Mrs. Green?" Now, my teacher must have been pretty frazzled, and I'm sure she had a ton of report cards to finish, because she snapped. "I HEARD YOU, AMY! NOW WAIT UNTIL I'M READY TO ANSWER!" It took all the strength I could muster not to cry, and I don't think I was ever yelled at in school again after that.

The things that I remember most clearly are the events that conjured up an extreme emotion. The incident with Mrs. Green made me feel extremely ashamed. I have other memories of times that I was extremely happy, or extremely sad, or extremely nervous, or extremely embarrassed, etc... It's those smaller moments, the ones that didn't have quite the impact or importance, that aren't as forthcoming. It makes me sad, because although life has its fair share of bigger moments, I think it's the smaller ones that really define who you are. It's the smaller moments I want to remember most: picking blackberries with my grandmother at her cabin, climbing into my parents bed with my sisters when there was a thunderstorm.

There is so much I want to remember about Charlotte and Gavin at this age, but none of the things are momentous. The way Gavin presses his face against mine when I hold him over my shoulder, the noises he makes when he has to burp, how he curls his toes when I am feeding him. I want to remember how Charlotte squeaks when she is trying to wake up, how she turns her head up and to the left when she is sleeping, and how she lets her leg hang over the tub when I'm giving her a bath. I'm trying to be fully present with them, so I don't miss a moment. So when they are older and say, "Tell me about when I was little," I'll be able to describe some little detail about who they were, and why it meant so much to me.

That's one way to do it...

Gavin slept from 11:00 pm until 4:45am last night. Unbelievable. The longest stretch of sleep I've had yet.

Granted, he did not nap at all yesterday, so he was most likely exhausted. I took the twins to visit my third graders yesterday. That was somewhat of a mistake on my part. As soon as my monstrous double-stroller rounded the corner, I had 38 grubby little hands reaching for the babies.

"They're so PUNY!"

"Which one's the girl?" (Um, the one with the barrette...)

"They look funny!"

"Do they have teeth yet?"

"Are you coming back to teach next year?"

The teacher in me soon took over. "Everyone take a giant step back!!!" I shouted. "I can answer your questions one at a time!" I could feel myself becoming warm and overwhelmed. The neonatal doctors warned us about taking the babies into crowds. It certainly doesn't get any more germ-y than a bunch of third graders. Believe me, I've taught third grade for six years...I've seen more fingers up noses than I care to mention.

Long story short, there was no way the babies were going to nap through all that commotion. And I've found that sleep begets sleep. If they don't take their nap early in the day, they fight sleep for the rest of the day and become intolerable in the evening hours. It took some doing, but I finally got both babies down by 11:00 pm.

The other reason I think he slept so well is because he was on the couch right next to me, resting in the crook of my arm. So even though Gavin slept soundly, I did not, as my elbow was bent at a 90 degree angle the entire time trying to keep him comfortable. My intention was only to stay on the couch until he fell asleep, and then move him upstairs to his crib...but since he never sleeps that soundly, I stayed put.

In either case, I doubt he (or I) will sleep for that length for quite a while, but it's made me reconsider this whole co-sleeping thing, at least for Gavin. Maybe I'll stick him in bed with me tonight and see what happens.

Thank you for all the comments about my friend Dr. Sears and his attachment parenting philosophy. It made me feel much better about my choices!

Attachment Parenting

At the risk of sharing an unpopular view, I don't subscribe to all the principles of Dr. Sear's philosophy of Attachment Parenting. I like the idea of it, but the logistics are a little tricky for me. Provide Consistent and Loving Care...that one's easy. Use a Nurturing Touch...I've got that one covered too. Positive Discipline...won't need to use that one for a while, yet, but I know the time will come.

I'm having trouble with some of the others.

Those of you that know me know that I am doing my darndest to exclusively nurse these babies, but it's tough. I've settled for a combination of nursing, bottle-feeding expressed milk, and supplementing with a bit of 22-calorie formula. My best guess is that they get about 80% breast milk, 20% formula per day. I'm pretty pleased with that, considering I almost gave up on breastfeeding completely the week the babies came home from the NICU. Mothers that nurse their multiples exclusively are my heroes. My mom is one of those people. I cannot even wrap my brain around how that is done. I keep reminding myself that my twins were born 9 weeks early, and it would be easier if they were term babies, but maybe that's just how I rationalize my decision to supplement. Who knows. Either way, the babies are growing like crazy, and I have to be at peace with my decision, because I know it's what's best for my mental health at this point.

Let's talk about co-sleeping. I was totally on-board with this idea before the babes came home. I purchased the Arm's Reach Co-Sleeper and had visions of the babies sleeping soundly and safely right next to me. In my mind, it would be just like it was in the NICU: the babies would sleep for three or four hours, wake up to feed, and drift peacefully back to sleep. That vision lasted for one sleepless night. The babies hardly slept, and when they did, they were grunting and groaning so much that I couldn't sleep. I spent a few weeks experimenting with sleeping locations: having the babies sleep in their cribs, in bed with me, in their bouncy seats downstairs with me on the couch, in their Pack and Plays, etc... What I found was that there was no way I could sleep if the babies were within a few feet of me. These days the babies sleep in their cribs*, and I sleep in my room with the monitor turned on low low low and covered with a sweater since the slightest noise wakes me up. That way, I can hear them if they cry, but (hopefully) not if they are just grunting.

The one principle that I REALLY wanted to get into was baby-wearing. My husband purchased this really great-looking sling for me for Christmas before the babies were born. The problem is, I'm having trouble using it. The babies don't seem to be at all comfortable in there...it causes their necks to turn in a strange angle, and they cry. I can't seem to get them positioned correctly at all! We also have the Baby Bjorns, and the babies do seem to like them, but what do you do if both babies are crying? If I had one baby, this would be perfect, but this seems so much tougher with two.

Not that I want them to get bigger quickly, because I am really enjoying this time, but it will be nice when they can hold their heads up. I'm looking forward to using the Exersaucers and Bumbo Seats as a little diversion.

*Gavin will sleep in his crib from about 10pm-3am, after that, he's done and wants to be downstairs. Fun, fun. I usually wind up putting him in his bouncy seat and trying to catnap on the couch. Charlotte sometimes sleeps in her crib the entire night, from about 10pm-6am! If she wakes up to eat, she will go right back into her crib when she's done.

Quickie Update

This is going to be a quickie blog...I'm short on time today! The babies had a check-up on Monday at 12 weeks of age. All is well and the babies are catching up to their term counterparts. Charlotte weighed 9 lbs. 8 ozs. and Gavin tipped the scales at 9 lbs. 11 ozs. Both are 21 inches long. In other news, Charlotte has slept through the night for the past two nights in a row, from about 10:30 0r 11:00 pm until about 6 or 7 am. This may be a fluke, I'm not sure. Of course, now I worry that she's not getting enough to eat! Gavin is still keeping me busy at night, so the sleep situation has not improved yet.

I'll update you with more soon!

(Almost) Wordless Wednesday

Babies holding hands....

Seriously?!?!?

I snapped this photo with my cell phone at the gas station down the street. Honestly, don't people proofread?

A Shallow Pool

I love to read, always have. I learned to read at an early age, and I read quickly and efficiently. I'll read almost anything -- novels, self-help books, childrens' books, chick lit, the backs of cereal boxes... I saw another blogger once refer to this as a "print slut," (I can't remember which blogger -- if this was you, let me know, and I promise I'll give you credit!) and that term definitely fits. I don't discriminate at all.

Writing, well, that doesn't come quite as easily. I was an English minor in college, but my courses mostly included reading requirements, not writing. I never really had the opportunity to hone my craft.

I took a poetry class in my senior year of college. One of the syllabus requirements was to keep a reflection journal based on the poems we read. Basically, the professor would assign a few poems, and we would have to read them, reflect, and write in the journal. The professor would collect them every three weeks or so to read our reflections. She met with each student mid-semester to discuss our reflections in the journal. I don't remember anything positive about this meeting. I only remember her criticisms; she didn't think my reflections were "deep" enough. Ouch. "What if that's as deep as I go?" I asked. She gave me a C on the journal.

This conversation has sat with me since our meeting, over ten years ago. It's present in my mind whenever I write something that I know others will read. In fact, it's on my mind even when I don't think others will read what I'm writing. I wonder if I'm writing "deep," and if anyone will care what I have to say. Maybe there's nothing "deeper" to me. It's hard to write with that in the back of your mind, because you are always holding back, wondering if what you're saying is worthwhile.

I read many other blogs. Really, you should check some of them out. I admire Bub and Pie's command of the English language, how every post sounds like poetry. Stacie from The Twinkies writes with such humor and honesty, I can't get enough of it. And Emmie's blog, Better Make it A Double, reads like a novel and is so interesting and informed. It's what got me interested in blogging in the first place.

Three summers ago, I became a fellow of the National Writing Project. One of the things we studied was how to "read like a writer." This was an important lesson for me. Here's the gist: whenever you read something, read it for content, of course, but step back from it and take a look at how the author crafted the piece. What makes it so good? How does the author use language to draw you in? If you learn some of the author's crafts, you can begin using them in your own writing. Once you learn to read in this way, you can't stop. Even when I'm reading books for my Book Club or on the beach, I'm noticing the way the author plays with language and how they paint images in my head. I remember it, and try it out myself. I read the other blogs in this manner, too.

My third grade students are required to keep a Writer's Notebook. They write in it almost every day, about all kinds of things. I tell them that they can write about whatever they want, and that these entries might someday be the seeds for their stories. They love it. I also tell them that becoming a good writer takes daily practice. Just like good piano players and good baseball players practice every day, so must a good writer. It's the only way to get better. But the truth is, I don't practice what I preach. I pretend I write every day for their sake, but I really don't.

So, I'm going to take my own advice and try to blog as often as I can. I'll hone my craft and learn to reflect. Maybe I'll find this pool goes deeper than I thought.