Bittersweet

I stopped breastfeeding.

I feel surprisingly emotional about it; I'm much more emotional than I thought I would be. In the beginning, I hated it. But now that I'm able to step back from my experience with a little perspective, step back from pumping every three hours while they were in the NICU, and from pumping for the first three months that they were home, and from the frustration I felt from having to use the nipple shields, I realize that my experience was not exactly typical. I'll bet most people don't hate it as much as I did at first. Once the babies grew (and more importantly, their little mouths grew) everything just sort of fell into place. At first, I was all, "You have got to be some kind of masochist to enjoy this. Who are these women? It's the worst kind of torture I can imagine!" And then I was more, "Hey! I can do this! This is easy! This is nice. I get it!" I've learned some things from this experience; to give myself a little credit when I deserve it, and also to be kind to myself. I allowed myself to hate it in the beginning, and I allowed myself to supplement with formula, too, without feeling guilty about any of it (on most days). I muddled through the postpartum and managed to nurse premature twins for 8 1/2 months. That's something!

Which is why I'm so sad that I had to stop. Those first few months of pumping really gave the babies a *taste* of how easy it is to drink from a bottle. Charlotte never really loved nursing. From the start, she would only want to nurse on occasion, when she was in the mood and when I really had a good supply to offer. (This has given me a little insight as to what she's going to be like as a teenager). Gavin was a little more willing, but now that he has four teeth, he thinks it's really a lot of fun to bite. I've tried all the tricks: pulling him off, sternly saying "NO!", not allowing him to nurse for a few minutes. He thinks it's all funny. Like: "Look at Mommy! She's trying Tough Love! Isn't she hysterical? I'm going to bite her again to see what she'll do next!"

So, between Charlotte arching her back and screaming almost every time I try to nurse (which does nothing for my milk supply, causing her to want to nurse even less) and Gavin using me as a teething ring (ditto on the milk supply) I realized that I would either have to quit or pump every few hours to rebuild my supply. And quite honestly, the thought of pumping again after doing it for four months solid was, well, less than appealing.

So I stopped.

But I really wasn't ready. I wanted to continue at least through the winter, and I honestly thought I'd nurse them for even longer. It just wasn't in the cards.

Times they are a-changin'.

National Nurse Out

Today, there are "Nurse-Outs" being held around the country at Applebee's Restaurants. Have you heard about the incident that occurred recently at Applebee's in Kentucky?

"The dispute with Applebee's began June 14. Ryan chose a booth in the back of the restaurant away from other customers. When her baby, Michael, got hungry, she began to nurse him discreetly, she said.But a waitress came over and said that if she wanted to breast-feed, she had to cover the baby with a blanket. Ryan said it was so hot that she didn't have a blanket. The waitress then repeated her request. Ryan said she then asked to see the manager and handed him a copy of the 2006 Kentucky law that prohibits interference with a woman breast-feeding her baby in public.The manager said he knew about the law but a customer had complained about indecent exposure, so she had to cover the baby with a blanket."

Now, many of you know about my love-hate relationship with breastfeeding. I do it because my babies are the most important people in the world to me, and breastmilk is the ideal, optimal food for them...but I don't claim to love it all the time. In fact, some days I downright hate it. There are times when it's nice to be rocking in my glider, feeding a baby, and amazed at how my body is able to perfectly nourish these two little beings. And there are other days, days when the babies seem constantly hungry, and I feel like I have parasites attached to me 24-7; and so I pull them off of me and announce, "You're weaned!" But inevitably, within 20 minutes I'm nursing one or the other again.

What I just do not understand is how some people are so offended by breastfeeding mothers. You are providing nourishment for a child, for Pete's sake. There's nothing indecent about that. ANY doctor will tell you how beneficial it is to breastfeed, and every bit of research proves it. But there is still this taboo about nursing in public that I just don't get, despite the fact that we live in a nation of fairly educated, informed people.

I had my first encounter with this taboo last weekend. Charlotte was exceptionally cranky, and we were out at a restaurant, in a private room, for a 30th birthday party. I went to the corner of the room, where there were maybe five people, and sat down to nurse Charlotte. I was discreet, and used my sling to cover up, but I got an incredibly nasty glance. No one said anything directly to me, but that was perhaps because Charlotte didn't want to nurse right then. If I had actually sat there and nursed her, there might have been a few comments. I'm not sure how I would have reacted, but I'd like to think I'd be both intelligent and poised.

I respect a mother's right NOT to breastfeed. I would expect nursing mothers to receive the same courtesy.

Yay, Me!

Allow me to brag for just a moment. After a very long road, with too many twists and turns to mention here, I nursed the babies exclusively today. No supplementing with formula. No feeding them expressed milk. No bottles to wash.

Nothing expresses my joy better than this post from Stacie at The Twinkies. Metal, indeed.

Why I'm Still Nursing...

Charlotte, on the day she was born.
Charlotte at four months old (check out the double chin!)

Gavin a few days after birth (to give you an idea of how small he was...the "towel" under his neck is a washcloth!!!)
Gavin and Daddy, four months later...